I have been a Christian since birth I guess you could say. Born to an unwed Catholic woman who specifically chose Catholic adoptive parents, I was always told I was destined to be a child of God. Attended Catholic schools all my life – the first time I was ever in a public school was when I voted at age 18. I lead the ideal life as a child as far as church involvement goes. Every church has “special” families. You know the ones who are involved in EVERYTHING from choir, Rosary Alter Society, church plays and everything in between. I was very comfortable in church, knew my role, understood what was expected of me. So, why am I then, at age 36, kicking and screaming as I work on building a relationship with God? To say I have lead a rough life would be putting it mildly. I am alive and not in jail by the grace of God alone. I went from a child living an “ideal” life, to a drug addicted teenager, to a married woman with 6 children and then to a divorced Mother of 6 children who was emotionally no more mature than the day I first tried drugs. While I had left the drugs alone almost 2 decades ago – so much of the lifestyle was still in me. I unofficially left the Catholic church as a teen. Somehow I ended up an agnostic after so many years of pain. How could a God capable of creating the stars let me hurt so much I thought. By my mid-20’s I wanted to feel God but not enough to do the work I guess. I had another surge of faith in my early-30’s, just before my divorce. All these little doses of faith were never something I worked at. I went to church, did as I knew. I tried to pray, I saw God working in my life but was so afraid, I held back more than I knew. So now after a stream of life events I find myself routinely having “discussions” (as I like to call them) with God. Me saying, “God, I know you want me to pray out-loud at fellowship today but I am not ready”. As my eyes are closed and I justify why I should remain silent, my eyes start twitching and white flashes in my eyes combined with the rush of heat overtaking my body make me afraid not to speak out-loud and before I know it, it is over. I have prayed out-loud and didn’t burst into flames or turn into a pumpkin. Whoda’ thought?An odd saturday evening, after a very bad evening at work filled with bitterness and contempt I cannot sleep and feel compelled to read Isaiah. I have no knowledge of what is in this book of the Bible or truth be told, even who Isaiah is but I begin reading anyways. Several hours later,I cannot put the Bible down despite the fact that I am beyond tired and need to be up for church soon. It was like a drug that I could not stop using is the only way I can describe this evening. Like when you KNOW full well you have had way too much to drink but keep drinking. After jumping throughout books I have never read, I finally feel peace when I read Luke 6:36. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.” I read that verse several times and promptly began to pray. I prayed for forgiveness for my harsh tongue at work, for my wicked thoughts and forgave those who had offended me that evening. Only then could I sleep.So what’s my point? The point of this blog is to chronicle this amazing journey I am on. I have been back at church just a few short months and the things God is doing in my life already is just awe inspiring. OK – to be honest sometimes I call it creepy but hey I am honest at least right?More to come I am sure……….
